6.14.4

not much has changed in the pasr few years and yet, EVERYTHING has changed. im so far away from who i used to be, and yet, its still inside me somewhere. So fragile, sensitive, and yet, unbreakably strong. So much time has passed, and yet, none at all. Ive learned so much from these years, so at least it didnt go to waste. Still too young to be taken seriosly, a piece of paper decides my fate. Forever free-falling, id rather die standing than live life on my knees. even though living IS much easier with eyes closed. But ignorance is only bliss to the ignorant. The intelligent could never be satisfied without knowing. Knowledge is the key to the door of wisdom. the door is made with experience, and growth. to open it you must have patience, for the key turns slowly. You must have vigilance, empathy, and an open mind to figure out how to turn the handle. You also must have strength, and an impartial free-will to survive and comprehend the concepts that go along with it. I,, myself, have merely cracked the door, and let only a tiny bit of light shine through. I know enough to know im not ready to fully open it. its too early, i would not be taken seriously. I am not greedy, i understand i cant have it all just yet. My patience will reap great rewards. I know enough to share, i know enough to possibly help. i will not be taken down. i know enough to be satisfied with what i have. I sleep in a borrowed bed, i eat food i did not work for, i live without paying rent. but i have never been happier in my life. nothing material to show for. but yet, i have much more. i live life on the outside, observing, contemplating, smoking John Players Special Black. I see what others disregard, ignore due to its surface insignificance. Because, underneath it all, every single thing is significant, a piece of garbage, or else it would not be there. Everything has a purpose. A crack in the wall. The trick is to see its significance. I sit chewing my pen, bitng the cap and tearing off little pieces gives me a sort of satisfaction. a satisfaction i would not be recieving if i did not do so, thus it is significant.
I tried so hard and almost lost it all. But somehow im still standing. Somehow i still get satisfaction from gliding my black pen across a piece of clean paper hoping that someday, someone could read it and possibly learn from it; or at least find a piece of themself in it. For that would be the greatest satisfaction of all.
I tried so hard and have even done harm. But i have never done a single thing without good intentions. At least understand that. I never meant to cause any trouble i have caused. But i am not sorry. All the trouble i have caused has served a greator purpose, not always instantly identifyable. But trust that it has, for sometimes evil must be used to create good change. Sometimes it takes a little more than a slap in the face to realize you must make the change, u have the ability to change, and the strength. Only pain will make u stronger. As human beings, we strive on pain, and we need it desperately, or else nothing would ever change and we’d still be cavemen.