when all things ocme and go what really remains?  Maudlin thoughts, nostalgic memories?  You always know when youre having the time of your life and then it passes.  its time to buckle down and think.  whats the purpose of life?  Its funny how the absence of just one thing can rapture the sacred memories of a life worthwhile, no matter how insignificant or potentially harmful it may be.

    so where did you go? Can it be possible to duplicate the wasted hours of a life so tragically exciting, so shamelessly carefree it haunts your dreams and lifetime inspirations the drone that makes you feel incomplete once it stops?  It is foolish to try and hold on to the past?  Can you ever duplicate time?  Will i ever have the time of my life again?

             Is it always going deeper and deeper?  Those were the best days of my life.  From point A to point B.  But everything that starts has an end.  Whats the point of living  if its all downhill from here?  Is it simply to foolishly attempt to create a world parallel to the one you left behind?

          Whats more important, to live a happy carefree life or to learn and do what is right?  Why cant we do both?  Why is it so tragically difficult to falsify happiness and freindship and attempt to live in reality?  Why cant we have both?

         Why does dignity get in the way?  Dignity is the cause of my problems.  If i had none, i would feel no shame or remorse.  No nostalga of a life left behind, for i would not have left it behind.

     How much can dignity be concealed in order to forgive and bring the old days back to life?  Is it my fault?  Is dignity the only cause?

      Is trust really essential?  What if we dont trust, expect betrayal, and deal with potentially traumatic situations in order to fulfill a hunger that wont go away?

       This hunger of mine wont ever be full.  I got a need for chemicals, just more and more.  To live a like Jim Morrison and die without overdosing, would be a state of bliss and euphoria.

   Is there ever a point where enough is enough?  Maybe im not ready to quit.  I dont want to bad enough.  I selfishly want to be a responsible citizen and have the time of my life at the same time.  Why did i discover the joys of euphoric intoxication so early?  Must i continue sprialing down the path of self-destruciton until i shatter every chance i have?  Will i ever stop if i dont?  SO where's the kid with the chemicals?  I got a hunger and i cant seem to get full.  I've got the money if youve got the time, he said, "it feels good." i said "Ill give it a try"

 

how much time do i have left until i cant turn around anymore?  How much time do i have left until all that was remains of me is a couple binders full of incoherant scribbles?  The clock is ticking backwards, somehow the earthquake i encountered was a spiritual symbol that my life had stopped, and when the clock accelerated the opposite way, it represented the sharp diminishing days my life contains.  The clock never stopped and turned the right way.  In my life, the clock is backwards and it accelerates and deccelerates until it will finally reach its final seconds.

 

so theres a change of heart or address, is there nothing that remains?

 

The more i leave reality, the more impatient i am to do it again, stronger, until i completly submerge myself in a psychotic alternate plane where everything is possible and nothing remains in focus, and you only have yourself.  Where theres always laughter, colours, pictures, people, love, and falsified happiness.  Is there any difference between falsified happiness and "real" happiness?  Isnt it the same state of ignorant, blissful euphoria?

 

Where di you go?  Are you still there? Have you reached the point of no return?

have i?

The point where i cannot save myself, for i do not want to.  I know im worth ssaving, yet i still do not want to.

Possibly my scriblings are enough to suffice.  Perhaps theres more to learn by me on paper than by example.